dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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