your room smells of hookers.
And success
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
