Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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