I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
