I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
