i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
