Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
