It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
