tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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