ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
