mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
