I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
