meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize
