He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
a search helicopter?!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
