Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
