I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
So many bounce houses so little time
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
