You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
