I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
