Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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