dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
