mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All the doctor said was why
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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