my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
