Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
