Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize