Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hippo gnu deer
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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