hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
