I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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