I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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