your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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