By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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