Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize