oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My balls are so social today.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
