I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
