From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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