I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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