I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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