people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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