After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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