I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I AM VODKA MAN
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize