people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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