ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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