Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
