I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
