Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
