Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
