I'm sorry my penis didn't work
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That accounts for only three of the penises
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
