Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
