i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
