hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
