someone threw a dead crab at me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
