Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
