we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
