This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
