Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
