at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
