Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
