you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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