Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
