We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
